For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
