Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
