Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
