Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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