just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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