i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
