It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
