lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
