She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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