Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
