i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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