I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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