So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you win again, gameday.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
