Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Randomize
