i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
