The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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