i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
