Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
