I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
