so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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