Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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