Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
