I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
