she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
