Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
