my mouth tastes like poor choices
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
