Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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