I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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