Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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