We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
