My nipple is on Facebook.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
