My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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