I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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