i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
