That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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