just come out here and I will go home with you...
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize