I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
We have so much sex to catch up on
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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