Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
