Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
