I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
