So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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