when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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