I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
