I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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