She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
