we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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