he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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