Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
