i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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