Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
