I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
