I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
