Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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