The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize